Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Wondering what he would look like....

Today is Ben's 9th birthday....the only problem I have is I can't bring his present over because I haven't seen him for almost 9years. You see Ben passed away just shy of his 3 month birthday from SIDS. It was the worst day of my life. I was completly lost. I remember his birthday as if it was yesterday. It is weird the things I remember, I was shopping at Hornbachers with my mom when I got the call that Ben's mom was ready to go the hospital! I got there as quick as possible!! We got up to her room and she got settled and everything! Grandma and Grandpa were there...excitied as ever! I still remember Grandpa almost leaving the room because the delivering was too hard on him. When Ben made his appearance I felt completely different, I know they alwasy say a child changes your life...that is true even if it isn't your son. I melted when I saw him for the first time....completely bawling and truly PROUD of mom. Could not have been prouder of that girl! Of course after snugling with Ben I melted all over again. An Amazing looking mom and baby boy!!!
Even though my time with him was VERY shortly...I think of him everyday! I visit his gravesite everytime I go see my own mothers site. Heart Breaking....I still remember his funeral...Heart wrenching. Now don't get me wrong...this isn't even my son but in many ways he was....I loved him as if he was. God how I miss his face.
I remember when I got the call...that he had passed away....God that morning I jsut did not feel right. I was with Kirk at the time at his house ( I had skipped college classes do be with him) as he was struggling with wanting to see his own daughter, who is 4 months older than Ben. I got the call we RACED to Meritcare and I BUSTED through the doors to find Ben's mom...I remember practically smashing the door open in the waiting room to just grab her!!! I was horrible for me...if it was horrible for me can you imagine how it was for her and her family. We got to hold him for quite sometime...the hospital allowed us some hair and get molds of his hands and feet! I still picture those hands and tiny yet strong. I don't remember leaving the hospital just as if I was numb....EMPTY!
I sit here today wondering what he would look like...Anna (Kirk's daughter) looks amazing to me....everytime I look at her I think Gosh....Ben would be about her size. How big would his hands and feet be...
I am left here on Earth..listening to Natalie Grant singing "Held" and it killing me inside..just wondering everyday....wondering what he would look like..............

Happy Birthday Benjamin Thomas!!
Take me Home and Love me!!!

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