Friday, January 30, 2009


Having a HORRIBLE day....hoping things calm down...having panic attacks that only my 4 year old is calming down for me...SICK i know....Hoping to play some Chutes and Ladders today with the kids and sleep with them during naptime.

Got thoughts in my mind that won't mom, my horrible health, my visions of me at least walking the 5k for the marathon. I would HOPE I could do at least that!

I am failing miserably today and not very happy with some people today either....just a BAD day overall!!!

I got comments last night I took with a grain of salt at Thomas' school dance...many of the teachers mentioned how good I look...people I still want to lose at least 20 pounds and I feel like people think I am crazy....I am so unhealthy right now and people have no idea how horrible I feel about it...I jsut can't get out of this funk!!! It is not a horrible health/body image problem...I really need to lose at least 20 pounds...I am fearing that if I don't i will end up like my mother....6 ft under ground at too young of an age....

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Attackers anonymous!

I wish there were a support group for young moms or such that have constant panics attacks. Luckily my don't effect me 24-7 but when they do it is BAD! I feel Kirk just wants to slap me sometimes. Although I KNOW he NEVER would!

I was talking with another mom the other day who kind of said the same things I was thinking. I was SO nice to talk to someone who understands. I have talked to other people who don't have anxiety and they seem to think you are a freak! Well I am not! I am totally perfectly fine. I just have issues with weird things and those THINGS change constantly. One day I can worry that when I am vaccuuming that I have missed a spot and things will grow there and take over our house. I can visualize is freaky. Same thing with driving...I can picture accidents happening in front of me and everything that follows. newspaper headlines and the whole bit. I have gotten that under control for the most part. It luckily is usually when I am all by myself.

I also have horrible nightmares where I can wake up sweating to death, but sometimes I sleep too hard that I can't wake up from them...that is the WORST.

Hopefully today levels off as I am getting projects done and the anxiety is dipping a little.
Off to finish projects around the house and for school/work.

Crazy weeks ahead!!!

Friday, January 16, 2009

long day

At 10am, daycare called me and said something isn't right. So I took him in and figured it was just a cold or something and they would send us home. Such was NOT the case. Triage sent us to the ER, and they gave him IVs ran a bunch of tests and got him going on some inhalers. Only double his usual dose times 3!!! It helped, they took some XRAYs and it seems his lungs had a MILD case of Pneumonia. YIKES. He is doing better now but gosh I wish that kid would nap. He finally feel asleep around 11-1130 when RT came and did a treatment! LOVELY!!! Since I orignally told him at 9 when we went to bed that when he woke up it would be breakfast time and we would order him some food. At that time I did NOT know RT was coming at needless to say we were eating breakfast after RT left and then of course we got a HUGE shot of energy. We decided it was a GREAT time to go ride the Police Car Coupe car in the playroom, and take it for about three rides or so around the WHOLE 6th floor. Needless to say it was 2am and ALL the nurses thought we were pyscho. Whats a two yr old to do at 2am!! SLEEP?? no way!
After finally falling asleep to Mighty Ducks D2, we fell asleep about 330-430ish. Lost track I think. We finally slept until RT came again at 5am to do another treatment since he was hacking so bad during that rest period. So he finally slept through that one THANKFULLY, and slept until about 730am. Had breakfast again...yogurt and orange juice, had some nasty tylenol and got order to discharge. YIPEE!! A few more laps around 6th floor, while we waited and saw the doctor again.
What a long day!!! Doing better but still have NOT napped! Hopefully he is good for Ashley tonight. Kirk and I are going to the School Board Christmas Party so it will be a good break from hospital life! More to come...I will try to load some pics of him in ER and riding his PC coupe car at 2am!!! Plus we played a good game of hide and go seek.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Wondering what he would look like....

Today is Ben's 9th birthday....the only problem I have is I can't bring his present over because I haven't seen him for almost 9years. You see Ben passed away just shy of his 3 month birthday from SIDS. It was the worst day of my life. I was completly lost. I remember his birthday as if it was yesterday. It is weird the things I remember, I was shopping at Hornbachers with my mom when I got the call that Ben's mom was ready to go the hospital! I got there as quick as possible!! We got up to her room and she got settled and everything! Grandma and Grandpa were there...excitied as ever! I still remember Grandpa almost leaving the room because the delivering was too hard on him. When Ben made his appearance I felt completely different, I know they alwasy say a child changes your life...that is true even if it isn't your son. I melted when I saw him for the first time....completely bawling and truly PROUD of mom. Could not have been prouder of that girl! Of course after snugling with Ben I melted all over again. An Amazing looking mom and baby boy!!!
Even though my time with him was VERY shortly...I think of him everyday! I visit his gravesite everytime I go see my own mothers site. Heart Breaking....I still remember his funeral...Heart wrenching. Now don't get me wrong...this isn't even my son but in many ways he was....I loved him as if he was. God how I miss his face.
I remember when I got the call...that he had passed away....God that morning I jsut did not feel right. I was with Kirk at the time at his house ( I had skipped college classes do be with him) as he was struggling with wanting to see his own daughter, who is 4 months older than Ben. I got the call we RACED to Meritcare and I BUSTED through the doors to find Ben's mom...I remember practically smashing the door open in the waiting room to just grab her!!! I was horrible for me...if it was horrible for me can you imagine how it was for her and her family. We got to hold him for quite sometime...the hospital allowed us some hair and get molds of his hands and feet! I still picture those hands and tiny yet strong. I don't remember leaving the hospital just as if I was numb....EMPTY!
I sit here today wondering what he would look like...Anna (Kirk's daughter) looks amazing to me....everytime I look at her I think Gosh....Ben would be about her size. How big would his hands and feet be...
I am left here on Earth..listening to Natalie Grant singing "Held" and it killing me inside..just wondering everyday....wondering what he would look like..............

Happy Birthday Benjamin Thomas!!
Take me Home and Love me!!!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

funny day

Well my day usually starts out with Kirk dragging my butt out of bed to get in the shower and he takes care of the kids and I get ready at the door and help the kids get coats on and everything. At this time is the most stressful for both Kirk and I and I always get in the car and laugh...mainly because I am sure our neighbors either think we are pyscho or are busy calling 911. We are ALWAYS screaming at the kids to get stuff on and yelling at Nathan.."Nathan, daddy can put your stuff on you...Mommy can't do everything" When we leave the house Kirk takes Thomas to school and I take Nathan to his daycare and Carter to preschool. Lots of hauling but they love their places so it is worth it! It is ALWAYS a battle to get kids in cars cause they always want to go in daddys van. Another funny point to add...we have the same vans...just different colors. They always want to ride in Dad's van. we scream all the way to Amber's because Nathan is screaming for Daddy...even though all morning he screams for me. Carter is screaming because he isn't at school yet. The plain fact is our mornings are chaos!!!

I got home today with the kids and we shoveled the driveway and Nathan has asthma so for him to be outside in this weather is not good but he insisted we we got almost done and said to me....Can daddy do this when he gets home??? I said sure he says to me.." I am OUT OF HERE!!!" The kids have been cracking me up lately with there comments so look forward to writing more of them.

Off to help Kirk make supper and hopefully heading to Dave's Southside tonight for Young Adult night...thank God for Ashley!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Another experience to make in the books

well today I had all three boys at the dental office. Thomas has become a pro now, already choosing his flavors of toothpaste and flouride without even needing me to go back with him. What a relief! Why you might ask....while at the same time Carter goes back and gets his cleaned. The first time he didn't need me at all to go but back he wouldn't let poor Tammie do anything to him, Mr. Silent comes out and he refuses things. So today I went back with him and he did great, didn't talk but let Tammie go crazy on him. It was hiliarious at some points because he would let her clean them all up and then start to gag!!! we couldn't stop laughing! he did great and I was very proud of him. Nathan was a WHOLE other story!!! He started out ok, he needed to be in my lap and he let her look with the mirror and clean the bottom teeth, but it came time to do the top and it is light a SWITCH WENT OFF! He wanted NOTHING to do with Tammie or Dr. C for that matter. We tried for a while but stopped to not traumatize the poor kid. Fun to say the least. Thanfully Ashley was with and that saved me! She went with Nathan to see how Thomas let everything just happen if you just sit there and listen and I think that really helped! after everyone was done, they got to go get a toothbrush and toy out of the basket! To say the least the day went a heck of alot better than thought! I will share pics when I figure out how to post those. Tomorrow night we get a date night, Thanks to Ashley again...Fargo Force game and Red Lobster!!! I can't wait!!! Yipee!!! It is much needed!!!

Until tomorrow, hopefully I will learn to post pics and let you all experience my world with three boys at a dental office, cant wait until July!!! We get to do it all over again!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Another day

Nothing exciting today. Got lots done at the office, so that is GOOD news. Still LOTS to get done while the boss is out! Yipee!!! Pretty soon we are headed to hockey practice. I have been normally dropping off Thomas with Kirk meeting us there to help coach and I drive the two little ones home ans have supper and play with them/ get housework done. However today I am going to bring them all with. I need them to burn off some energy and I want to see Thomas tonight and see any improvements that have taken place. I can't wait! The boys are usually quite rowdy at the rink and I dread it in itself but tonight I am letting them run with exceptions. Does that make any sense? Anyways off to get SOME housework done before we leave and then it will be a late night tonight with baths and dinner after practice.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Starting the new year

Well I did it! I am starting blogging where the pros go! I figure I need to journal these things out or I will forgot how my life went. Believe me I am NO expert at this and never spell anything correctly because I type too fast and don't care to proof read.
I need to let everyone know my new years resolutions do I can be held accountable! Yeah right. I have made the intentions to try eat better, and just take general better care of myself. Eating right, thinking right and maintain a good lifestyle to I can be around when my kids should be taking care of me. So far off to a slow start however I am making the goal of setting up an appt with my primary and do a complete check up. Diabetes, blood pressure, any tests that I request preferably. I need to know that I won't die before I turn 60..or 50 for that matter. I have had the nightmares return that involve my mother and I need those to GO AWAY. I need to focus on ME and MY family now, and getting myself in better condition will get me in the right steps to achieving this great feat!!!

Well off to walk on my stepper while watching the kids do Wii!