Getting somewhere.

Well today was the FIRST Friday in a while that I actually got some much needed housework done. Got the two bathrooms clean as well as the kitchen and laundry room. I still need to vaccuum the rooms and leave time to make supper. Tonight we are off to FF game so that will be fun for the kids.
Just a short post today as my anxiety is getting somewhere but still worrying about some stuff. Not as bad as the other day, still some there but not as much.
Hopefully after I get started on supper another 45 min walk will be in order. The kids LOVE it and the new snow will make it even more fun!

Flooded with items on my to do list.

Well since this snow and rain season has begun...so has my new venture into the flood insurance world. I have about 4-10 calls a day with the exception of today with only 1 call. It is stressful for me but I am getting somewhere now.

With flooding comes my nesting mode of getting everything in plastic containers and up off the ground. My goal is for Kirk to understand my anxiety of it all. I have lived for here all but 2 years of my 30 years of life. I remember the flood of 97 and having to walk from the pet shop to get home...NOT FUN and in NO way am I doing that with 4 kids! YIKES!!!

So going through the storage room and finally getting rid of ALOT of crap is making me feel alot better. Plenty of boxes for the thift store and trash for May clean up week...that can't come soon enough! I can't wait! There are days i wish I lived in WF that allowed you to put anything and everything on the curb!!! SO EXCITING!!! But low and behold Moorhead only gives you a one day a year! PLFF!!!!

Kirk is getting some household crap under his belt and getting that done before this flood season starts. Getting my anxiety under control knowing that if we do have to vacate the premise...we move in with the in laws. The is going to be a LONG spring!!! Things on the list that won't go away for awhile.

Hoping to see summer soon and plan all the kids activites!!!

BAD DAY

Having a HORRIBLE day....hoping things calm down...having panic attacks that only my 4 year old is calming down for me...SICK i know....Hoping to play some Chutes and Ladders today with the kids and sleep with them during naptime.

Got thoughts in my mind that won't stop....my mom, my horrible health, my visions of me at least walking the 5k for the marathon. I would HOPE I could do at least that!

I am failing miserably today and not very happy with some people today either....just a BAD day overall!!!

I got comments last night I took with a grain of salt at Thomas' school dance...many of the teachers mentioned how good I look...people I still want to lose at least 20 pounds and I feel like people think I am crazy....I am so unhealthy right now and people have no idea how horrible I feel about it...I jsut can't get out of this funk!!! It is not a horrible health/body image problem...I really need to lose at least 20 pounds...I am fearing that if I don't i will end up like my mother....6 ft under ground at too young of an age....

Attackers anonymous!

I wish there were a support group for young moms or such that have constant panics attacks. Luckily my don't effect me 24-7 but when they do it is BAD! I feel Kirk just wants to slap me sometimes. Although I KNOW he NEVER would!

I was talking with another mom the other day who kind of said the same things I was thinking. I was SO nice to talk to someone who understands. I have talked to other people who don't have anxiety and they seem to think you are a freak! Well I am not! I am totally perfectly fine. I just have issues with weird things and those THINGS change constantly. One day I can worry that when I am vaccuuming that I have missed a spot and things will grow there and take over our house. I can visualize EVERYTHING...it is freaky. Same thing with driving...I can picture accidents happening in front of me and everything that follows. newspaper headlines and the whole bit. I have gotten that under control for the most part. It luckily is usually when I am all by myself.

I also have horrible nightmares where I can wake up sweating to death, but sometimes I sleep too hard that I can't wake up from them...that is the WORST.

Hopefully today levels off as I am getting projects done and the anxiety is dipping a little.
Off to finish projects around the house and for school/work.

Crazy weeks ahead!!!

long day

At 10am, daycare called me and said something isn't right. So I took him in and figured it was just a cold or something and they would send us home. Such was NOT the case. Triage sent us to the ER, and they gave him IVs ran a bunch of tests and got him going on some inhalers. Only double his usual dose times 3!!! It helped, they took some XRAYs and it seems his lungs had a MILD case of Pneumonia. YIKES. He is doing better now but gosh I wish that kid would nap. He finally feel asleep around 11-1130 when RT came and did a treatment! LOVELY!!! Since I orignally told him at 9 when we went to bed that when he woke up it would be breakfast time and we would order him some food. At that time I did NOT know RT was coming at midnight...so needless to say we were eating breakfast after RT left and then of course we got a HUGE shot of energy. We decided it was a GREAT time to go ride the Police Car Coupe car in the playroom, and take it for about three rides or so around the WHOLE 6th floor. Needless to say it was 2am and ALL the nurses thought we were pyscho. Whats a two yr old to do at 2am!! SLEEP?? no way!
After finally falling asleep to Mighty Ducks D2, we fell asleep about 330-430ish. Lost track I think. We finally slept until RT came again at 5am to do another treatment since he was hacking so bad during that rest period. So he finally slept through that one THANKFULLY, and slept until about 730am. Had breakfast again...yogurt and orange juice, had some nasty tylenol and got order to discharge. YIPEE!! A few more laps around 6th floor, while we waited and saw the doctor again.
What a long day!!! Doing better but still have NOT napped! Hopefully he is good for Ashley tonight. Kirk and I are going to the School Board Christmas Party so it will be a good break from hospital life! More to come...I will try to load some pics of him in ER and riding his PC coupe car at 2am!!! Plus we played a good game of hide and go seek.

Wondering what he would look like....

Today is Ben's 9th birthday....the only problem I have is I can't bring his present over because I haven't seen him for almost 9years. You see Ben passed away just shy of his 3 month birthday from SIDS. It was the worst day of my life. I was completly lost. I remember his birthday as if it was yesterday. It is weird the things I remember, I was shopping at Hornbachers with my mom when I got the call that Ben's mom was ready to go the hospital! I got there as quick as possible!! We got up to her room and she got settled and everything! Grandma and Grandpa were there...excitied as ever! I still remember Grandpa almost leaving the room because the delivering was too hard on him. When Ben made his appearance I felt completely different, I know they alwasy say a child changes your life...that is true even if it isn't your son. I melted when I saw him for the first time....completely bawling and truly PROUD of mom. Could not have been prouder of that girl! Of course after snugling with Ben I melted all over again. An Amazing looking mom and baby boy!!!
Even though my time with him was VERY shortly...I think of him everyday! I visit his gravesite everytime I go see my own mothers site. Heart Breaking....I still remember his funeral...Heart wrenching. Now don't get me wrong...this isn't even my son but in many ways he was....I loved him as if he was. God how I miss his face.
I remember when I got the call...that he had passed away....God that morning I jsut did not feel right. I was with Kirk at the time at his house ( I had skipped college classes do be with him) as he was struggling with wanting to see his own daughter, who is 4 months older than Ben. I got the call we RACED to Meritcare and I BUSTED through the doors to find Ben's mom...I remember practically smashing the door open in the waiting room to just grab her!!! I was horrible for me...if it was horrible for me can you imagine how it was for her and her family. We got to hold him for quite sometime...the hospital allowed us some hair and get molds of his hands and feet! I still picture those hands and feet....so tiny yet strong. I don't remember leaving the hospital just as if I was numb....EMPTY!
I sit here today wondering what he would look like...Anna (Kirk's daughter) looks amazing to me....everytime I look at her I think Gosh....Ben would be about her size. How big would his hands and feet be...
I am left here on Earth..listening to Natalie Grant singing "Held" and it killing me inside..just wondering everyday....wondering what he would look like..............

Happy Birthday Benjamin Thomas!!
Take me Home and Love me!!!

funny day

Well my day usually starts out with Kirk dragging my butt out of bed to get in the shower and he takes care of the kids and I get ready at the door and help the kids get coats on and everything. At this time is the most stressful for both Kirk and I and I always get in the car and laugh...mainly because I am sure our neighbors either think we are pyscho or are busy calling 911. We are ALWAYS screaming at the kids to get stuff on and yelling at Nathan.."Nathan, daddy can put your stuff on you...Mommy can't do everything" When we leave the house Kirk takes Thomas to school and I take Nathan to his daycare and Carter to preschool. Lots of hauling but they love their places so it is worth it! It is ALWAYS a battle to get kids in cars cause they always want to go in daddys van. Another funny point to add...we have the same vans...just different colors. They always want to ride in Dad's van. we scream all the way to Amber's because Nathan is screaming for Daddy...even though all morning he screams for me. Carter is screaming because he isn't at school yet. The plain fact is our mornings are chaos!!!

I got home today with the kids and we shoveled the driveway and Nathan has asthma so for him to be outside in this weather is not good but he insisted we shovel...so we got almost done and said to me....Can daddy do this when he gets home??? I said sure he says to me.." I am OUT OF HERE!!!" The kids have been cracking me up lately with there comments so look forward to writing more of them.

Off to help Kirk make supper and hopefully heading to Dave's Southside tonight for Young Adult night...thank God for Ashley!